Do You Know What It Means to Live? The Beginning of ZIVANKA ~

Her name was Zivanka.  

Zivanka \z(i)-van-ka, ziv(a)-nka\ as a girl's name is of Slavic origin, and the meaning of Zivanka is "full of life".

In the beginning she was too little to understand, she was a baby.  As a child, she was still too young to understand.  Then as a teenager everything to her became a big grey cloud of confusion, distraction, perplexity, turmoil, and insecurity.  Zivanka really didn't know why she was on such a dark road under a dark grey cloud, but she assumed it had something to do with her "already implanted personality", her own doing, her own fault.  Whatever was happening around her since the day she was born until she reached about 14 years of age, had affected her life tremendously, causing a domino effect for years to come....of course she was oblivious to it, and many years of life just passed her by like water running in the sink.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/87/244272584_661dd02877.jpg

~ One can only feel life in the present moment, you miss life if you run to the future or get stuck in the past ~

Zivanka, not only did she not feel life, she did not know how to live, she did not grasp the understanding of life.  The future for her was always a very distant place for her.  She never imagined she would be in the future.  She couldn't deal with the present moment and all she had learned was from the past.

Imagine yourself trying to get to the airport, you have a flight to catch, it is the last flight that leaves out of your area to take you to a safe place, because an earthquake is predicted and everyone must evacuate immediately!  Imagine the urgency of getting to the airport on time to save your life, because if you don't catch this flight, you have a 90% chance of dying. > click > Now picture yourself driving your car to the airport, as you approach the end of the main road, you must make a left turn, but you can't, some how the road curves and you see yourself making a donut, you are stuck, and eventually you are exhausted of going in circles and trying to turn on a curve, it is just not possible, and you give up.  You experience the earthquake alone and survive, but you are left with some wounds that eventually turn into scars. This is how Zivanka experienced her life.

No one seemed to notice these scars though, and if by any chance, someone did get a glimpse of them, they wouldn't even bother to say or ask anything, people would just simply ignore it.  Zivanka was too shy, ashamed, and embarrassed that she was the only one who was incapable of making that left turn, and so she kept quiet, in hopes that people would not notice how dumb and stupid she believed she was........

....The earthquake experience became another learning point for Zivanka...she continued living by the past, didn't look to the future (a distant magical and surreal place), and couldn't grasp the present.  She continued dying her life.